Who to talk to when you have relationship problems
Who to talk to when you have relationship problems is an age-old and mildly controversial question.
When our clients are struggling in their long-term relationships, it can feel confusing. There are at least two sides to every issue, and if there is a disagreement, how to figure out whose point of view is right and whose is wrong?
The relationship problem can feel isolating. The person may worry about talking to the wrong person. They’re afraid of gossip, judgment, or others taking either side.
We’re going to explore all of those options in detail so you know where to turn.
Who to talk to when you have relationship problems (what exactly are the options?)
There are many possibilities of whom to talk to. We’re also going to talk about when it’s time to talk to a therapist and what kind of therapist will fit your situation best.
Whether the problems in your relationship are related to household chores, substance abuse, unmet relationship needs, or a breach of trust, here are people you might talk to:
Do you talk to your partner about your relationship problems
When you’re having relationship problems, this is probably the most obvious person that you should talk to. Discussing the issues with your partner directly increases the likelihood that the problems will be resolved. This should be your first stop if you can approach the problem with mutual respect.
Talking to them allows you to work collaboratively to fix whatever is going on. It gives you each a chance to explain your point of view. This is especially important when one person is feeling ignored, as it gives them the ability to feel heard when it’s important.
For many of our clients, this becomes difficult when the topic is one that both partners are emotionally invested in. This can make it hard for the topic to be discussed without one or both partners becoming upset.
The conversation then might turn into an argument, and all of a sudden, things are being said that no one really meant to say.
There are other times when you might not be ready to have a direct conversation. It might be because you recognize it’s a highly emotional topic, or you just don’t know how you feel yet, and you need to talk about it with someone else before you bring it to your partner.
It’s also possible that it’s a relationship dynamic that the two of you’ve been playing out since you started dating or soon after, and neither of you has any idea how to fix it.
So, where do you go from there?
Researching relationship problems on YouTube or social media
This isn’t really somewhere to talk, but it’s a place that many people turn to for relationship advice.
One of the reasons people go here is that it’s easily accessible day or night, and it’s free. It’s also confidential, though your partner can see your viewing history.
There is a ton of information on social media and YouTube about common relationship problems, so it feels helpful. Sometimes it can help you get some perspective and explain the dynamic between you and your partner.
At the same time, the advice on these sites isn’t personal, and it might not be a good idea to take it. You also aren’t getting any support, and it isn’t tailored to your unique situation, so there isn’t any direct feedback about what’s really going on.
The amount of information might be helpful, but it can also be overwhelming and conflicting, which can increase confusion and isolation.
This information rarely comes from a professional, you don’t know if they’re encouraging you to resolve things in a healthy way. Even if the advice is good, there’s very little concrete guidance on how to apply the information to your actual life and situation.
The next option is much more supportive and is a third party. It can be really helpful to get that outside perspective.
Whether or not to talk to your friends about your relationship
Often the go-to when people are having relationship issues and can’t talk to their partner. They talk to a close friend whom they feel they can trust. This friend will hopefully be supportive and helpful.
A good friend will listen to your point of view when your relationship is struggling. They’ll give you feedback. Hopefully, your friend will know your history well enough to be able to call you out when something is your fault.
At the same time, your trusted friends have their own ideas of what they want for you in the relationship department. They can be quite invested in this opinion. It isn’t always a good thing.
Your friend may or may not like your partner. If they do like your partner, your confidence might not stay between the two of you.
If your partner doesn’t hear about your sharing with your friend, they still might be uncomfortable if they learn that this friend is someone you confide in when you’re struggling with relationships.
They also might just validate your side of things and neglect to tell you when you’re in the wrong.
What about talking to your family about your relationship
Your family is very similar to your friends when it comes to talking to them about relationship problems. But they often have an even more intense interest in your relationships.
Your family will have what they consider your best interests at heart, but they’ll be even more invested in them.
They can be really helpful as they know your history because they’ve lived through it with you. They also know the rest of your family well and can help you identify patterns you might be replaying in your current relationship.
But if you go to family (or friends) too often, they might only see the bad things you share and no longer be able to see the good parts of your partner.
Their ideas of what they want for you may not be what you actually want for yourself. Plus, past family dynamics might complicate things in ways you’re unaware of.
For example, they might encourage you to stay in a codependent relationship because that’s a common pattern in your family, and it seems normal to them.
You also can’t or don’t necessarily want to talk about physical intimacy with your family members.
There are other options of people to talk to who aren’t as close to the situation.
Is it a good idea to talk to your coworkers when your relationship isn’t going well
Many people end up talking to their coworkers about relationship problems because they’re often the first people they see after a fight. Coworkers are also the people you’re around when you’re thinking about difficult things during the day at work.
Your coworkers aren’t intimately involved in your life, and this can mean that you’ll get unbiased advice from them, at least in that they aren’t invested in what they want for you.
At the same time, that also means they may not really care, and that means that they might not consider the consequences for the advice they give.
You also may not know your coworkers' history and biases, and this can impact the advice they give you.
Also, what you tell them is definitely not confidential, and you don’t know where your information will be shared.
The other thing to think about is that it might make work awkward, or it might impact your job.
Why you shouldn’t talk to your kids about your relationship
This is an option that some people definitely use, but this really isn’t a good idea. No matter how old your kids are, they do not deserve or want to be put in the middle of your relationship problems.
This is tempting because your children know both you and your spouse. But the benefits in no way outweigh the costs.
Talking to your kids about relationship issues puts too much pressure on them. It puts them in the middle and asks them to take sides.
If they’re not impacted by the conflict (like if you’re moving out), you don’t need to bring them into it.
Should you talk to a coach when your relationship is struggling?
A coach is another option for someone to talk to about your relationship when you’re having problems. They’ll have skills and plans that will help you move forward and problem-solve the issues in your relationship.
They’ll help you learn communication skills like active listening and learn about things like love languages.
There are some limits to how far relationship coaching can help. Coaches are limited to helping you with what is going on in the moment and the future. They can’t help you if the issues are related to trauma and unresolved past issues.
They also can’t help if it appears that there might be mental health issues involved.
Talking to a lawyer when your relationship is in trouble
You could go and talk to a lawyer as well, but there are definitely some limitations here.
If you’re talking to a lawyer, you’re either very close to deciding to go your separate ways or you’ve already made that decision. This is the purpose of a lawyer.
They can help you figure out legally what the next steps are and how to move forward, but they can’t help you decide if it’s time to end the relationship or if the relationship is over.
Often, bringing in a lawyer pushes things past the point of no return, and the focus is on ending the relationship.
Individual therapy for your relationship
You can go and see a therapist without your partner. This can be helpful in that the therapist is a neutral party, they’re supportive, and help you figure out what you want.
They help you determine if there are warning signs or if a certain behavior is a deal breaker.
Therapy is confidential, unless someone is in danger or you decide to bring your partner into the therapy room.
On the other hand, when you’re seeing a therapist individually, the therapist only hears your side of the story. You’re the therapist's client, not your relationship, so they’re looking out for your best interest, not the best interest of the relationship.
Once you figure out what you want, if there’s a problematic relationship dynamic, the therapist can only do so much.
There are times when seeing a therapist individually should be the first step. When you:
- Don’t know what you want
- Suspect domestic violence or a personality disorder
- Have a partner who is refusing to go to therapy
- Suspect your mental health is impacting your relationship
- Think your past trauma is interfering with relationships
If it seems like individual therapy is the right fit, you might wonder “what will it be like?”
How can individual therapy help when you’re having relationship problems?
Your therapist will point out places where your past is impacting your relationship, and together you’ll process through those past issues so that they’re no longer affecting things. Some of these past experiences might be a previous relationship or the family you grew up in.
This might include relationship trouble you’ve had with non-romantic relationships. If you also have trust issues as a result of these relationships. The therapist will create a safe space for you to work through those.
Your therapist will also point out dynamics that are problematic and help you find places you can change your behavior to move things in a healthier direction.
Your therapist will also teach you about what healthy relationships look like and how to engage in effective communication. They’ll help you identify possible red flags of an abusive relationship.
Seeing an ACT therapist individually to help improve your relationship can show you how to accept intense emotions and your partner’s differences. It can help you be more mindful during interactions so you respond from a place of calm instead of anger.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy helps you identify your core values so you can interact in a way that moves you towards those values.
What is it like to talk to a couple’s therapist about your relationship?
If your partner is willing, you can also go and see a couples therapist with them. The couple's therapist is on the side of your relationship and is a neutral party.
Your side isn’t the only one that is covered. This allows your partner to feel like they’re a part of the conversation.
The therapist’s job is to listen to what’s going on, identify problematic dynamics, and intervene in a way that benefits the relationship as a whole.
Couples therapy is completely confidential, as long as both you and your partner don’t discuss it with others..
Couples therapy will help you both figure out what you want and learn to communicate directly so that the relationship improves. It also allows you to learn to face similar situations later on.
It’s important to note that the couple's therapist isn’t always going to take your side. You’ll not always get the little things you want, but compromise will help your relationship improve.
At Comfort in Mind, we use both ACT and the Gottman method to help you improve the emotional connection in your relationship by:
- Accepting differences
- Fighting better
- Increasing positive interactions
- Decreasing negative interactions
- Accepting emotions
- Lowering activation
During couples therapy at Comfort in Mind, you’ll learn all of these skills while we help you apply them to your everyday life. We’ll help you to redevelop a loving relationship that will last a long time.
How to Decide Who to Talk To
Now that we’ve explored all the possible options of who to talk to when you’re having relationship problems, you’re probably wondering, “How do I decide?”
There may be some options that you’re automatically drawn to, but others that you just aren’t sure about. The best way to decide where to turn is to look at the severity of what is going on.
If the problems seem to be mild, then talking to a friend, coworker, or family member might be a good option. But if things are more severe, for example, you’re noticing that you’re never happy to see your spouse, the fighting seems constant, you feel like you’ve no connection left, or you’re thinking about deciding to leave, it’s time to seek out professional help.
Now that you’ve decided who to talk to when you have relationship problems. At Comfort in Mind we’d love to help individually or as a couple.
